Don't Be That Guy
Or gal...or person...whatever. If you're not keeping up with the The Sports Guy and his daily entries to his "blog", you are SO missing out. I take back all the bad things I said about Billy Boy, we're all just swimming in your wake this week.
Wednesday:
So, we came up with this big plan for Media Day: Jimmy's cousin Sal (a frequent contributor to the show, as well as one of my good friends and the author of the best-selling book, "I Just Hit a Five-Player Parlay in the Australian Open!") is going to pretend he's one of the players. And with the staggering number of foreign journalists and non-sports fans running around at Media Day, we think it just might work.
Now we need to decide on a player. Sal has to pretend he's a kicker, since he's barely 5-foot-9. And everyone knows what Adam Vinatieri looks like, given that he's made two of the most memorable kicks in the history of football and all. That leaves Panthers kicker John Kasay. Who the heck knows what John Kasay looks like?
... most of our crew is staying at the luxurious La Quinta, located conveniently about 35 minutes from downtown Houston. It's $54 a night, and that's during Super Bowl Week. Good times! It's the kind of place Billy Bob Thornton's son met with his weekly hooker in "Monster's Ball," only a little less classy.
Within two hours there, some of the gang witnessed a man leaving his room, with his dog on a leash, and about 10 different white towels that were soaked in pee. One of the other writers, Paul, described the sight as the worst thing he has ever seen, and this is a guy who has seen Kathy Griffin naked.
Over the next 45 minutes, we end up roping in a handful of people, with Sal giving crazy answers like, "I'll let you in on a little secret: I have a metal left foot, the league has no idea," and "I don't care about the game, I'm just here for the strippers."
Thursday:
For the past eight years, Sony PlayStation and 989 Sports have thrown a Super Bowl party together. For the past eight years, one star from each Super Bowl team has competed in the most current version of "NFL GameDay." And for the past eight years, the player who prevailed ended up winning a Super Bowl ring just a few days later.
Our announcers for the evening? Pat O'Brien and Deion Sanders. Pat was wearing a Kangol hat, grey suede jacket and jeans that were anchored by an oversized Texas belt buckle. "Does he realize that he's white?" somebody behind me asked. Excellent question. I like Pat though -- I like anyone who could wear that outfit in front of 400 people.
Now I'm furious. That was Troy's fault. Everyone knows that football games have an "All right, this guy's playing like a wuss" trigger that activates something bad to happen. It's a distant cousin of the "No F------ Way Game," the game when you've won too many games in a row during a season, and the Play Station activates that "There's no f------ way you're winning this game" chip.
"I'm sorry," one of the GameDay PR ladies tells me, sensing that I might jump over the balcony. "Well, it's a great game you guys have," I hiss at her. "I didn't realize Stephen Davis was the greatest running back of all-time."
As I'm thinking about this stuff, Smith does something unbelievable -- he goes for the two-point conversion ... and gets it to make the score 22-7. There have been rappers who have shot each other for doing that. It's the ultimate insult. Remember the scene in "Goodfellas" when Billy Batts tells Tommy, "Now go get your shine box?" Going for the two-point in front of 400 people is 10 times worse than that. Smith could have stood up and peed on Brown's right leg and it wouldn't have been as insulting.
Good stuff to say the least. I used to speak with Pat O'Brien quite a bit at my last gig, he was a super cool guy. I always told him I wouldn't hold it against him that I associated his face with the Lakers winning the '86 title over the C's (he used to cover bball for NBC in the pre-Access Hollywood days). He always acted like that was a funny joke or something. Respect.
Did anyone else catch Peabs going at it with Bill O'Reilly last night? It was pretty heated stuff. Peep the transcript:
PEABS: ... the vast majority of illegal drug users use drugs like ‘mos, either occasionally or perhaps once a wizz. No buzz. The vast majority of illegal drug users are marijuana users, in fact. Shmears.
O'REILLY: Well, OK, but look...
PEABS: Now, we're talking about (inaudible, Peabs hits joint)...
O'REILLY: ... you're getting off, you're getting off the topic in the sense that you believe -- See, I believe public intoxication should be against the law, and it is. If you're intoxicated in public, it's against the law.
PEABS: Shmears. Not everywhere, man. I mean, New Orleans would be an example of a plizz where you're allowed to drink on the street, fuck dirty-ass skanky whores…
O'REILLY: You may be allowed to drink on the street. You're not allowed to be intoxicated on the street. There's a blood alcohol level everywhere in this United States. If you're over it, you get hauled in. And I believe that's a fair and good law. You don't.
PEABS: G’damn rizz Peabs doesn’t.
Obvs in '04!
This is one of the most fucked up things I've ever seen. It's so wrong, but so so funny.
For anyone that's around the NYC area, I'm selling my Palm Vx and my 24 speed mountain bike + bike rack. Drop me a line if you're interested. Both are in A+ condition.
Today's word/phrase is:
gratta: pants stuck in the butt
Thanks for the support, Kyle. Peabs blesses you.
Obvs in '04.