Every Mathematical Inequality Officially Ends With "< Jack Bauer"

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*cking hates lemonade.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

A day without torture is like a day without sunshine to Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer has a great tan.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that p*ssy went to the hospital first.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jack Bauer's house has an alarm system -- not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f*cking do it.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f*ck have you done with your life?

There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

The only difference between Jack Bauer and the electric chair is that Jack Bauer makes you talk first.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f*cking dead."

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."

In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a p*ssy.

Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

Jack Bauer may have 9 lives but he is no p*ssy.

It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

Metallica lets Jack Bauer download all their songs off the internet for free.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.